Episode Transcript
You have to interact with all kinds of people in your engineering work. And I’m sure you’ve found a few personalities that are particularly hard to deal with.
Today we’re gonna talk about the kinds of personalities that can be challenging for women engineers. And I’ll give you some strategies for breaking through those that are barriers. Those that are keeping you from doing your job and reaching your goals.
Some people are just difficult.
Some have ways that just clash with yours.
Sometimes it seems it’s intentional.
Sometimes they don’t even know they’re being difficult.
People have their own ideas for doing what they want to do and getting where they want to be. Right or wrong, it’s not for us to judge.
But if they’re stopping you from reaching your goals, then that’s a problem.
A simple solution is to avoid these people. Just stay away from them altogether. But that’s not feasible if working with them is part of your job. And you need to work with them to accomplish your goals.
Instead, you want to find ways to relate to them. To be compatible enough so that you can manage the relationship and accomplish what you need to accomplish.
Let’s start by taking a look at some difficult personality types.
Challenging Personalities that Roadblock Women Engineers
Here are some examples of challenging personalities that roadblock women engineers:
- The first one that comes to mind is the patronizing or condescending personality. This person can be a know-it-all. Or have that I-know-better-than-you attitude.
Some are excluders. Some employ microaggression or subtle acts of exclusion.
Some just won’t listen to you, no matter how hard you try. Whether or not they understand the technology, they don’t believe your data. And don’t give you any credibility.
- Then there’s the personality that refuses to see or acknowledge you. Perhaps they steal your ideas. Or talk on top of you. Or otherwise act like you’re not even there.
Another version of that personality doesn’t see you as a leader. Or doesn’t see you as a technical person. Maybe even assumes you’re in an administrative role.
- Undermining personalities give you the impression that they’re supporting you. But they don’t act on that support. They withhold information for you. They don’t have your back.
- Then there are competitive and defensive personalities who are seemingly always in contention with you.
- The nay-sayers, who are pessimistic and always complaining, are sure to put down your ideas at every opportunity.
- And the power mongers, who are always taking charge, overtaking conversations and dominating meetings.
Difficult personalities use all kinds of tactics to make your job miserable. Like passive aggression, mansplaining, and gossip.
And the reasons behind their actions vary from insecurity to just wanting to get ahead.
You probably know people who match these personalities. Maybe you’ve run into even more personality types than what I’ve listed here.
I don’t want you to assume that your personality is golden. And that only others are difficult to deal with. You have days when you’re hard to deal with too. I know I do.
Recognizing this makes it a little easier to take the next step. And that is to find a way to break through the personality barrier. To begin opening a connection.
How to Break Through Difficult Personalities to Accomplish Your Engineering Goals
Let’s look at a few general ways you can deal with some of these personalities. Here are 3 ways to begin opening a connection with a difficult person:
- Find ways to connect and work together.
As is often the case, we start with a mindset shift. My first reaction to difficult people is to be on the defensive. And my next reaction is to avoid them if at all possible. Neither of these is effective.
A shift in perspective is in order here. If you’re going to relate to this person and successfully work through the issue, you have to be on the same side.
Think of you and the other person as being on the same side. Visualize the 2 of you trying to accomplish the same goal. Work not for or against, but with. It’s not 2 people against each other. It’s the 2 of you against whatever the problem is.
- Find common ground.
This can be really hard to do with someone who has you on the defensive. But it’s a remarkable way to turn that around. Give it an honest try and see if it doesn’t break the ice.
Focus on where there are similarities between the 2 of you. Maybe you have similar interests. Maybe you have comparable backgrounds. Maybe there’s overlap in your career goals. Find those parallels and talk about them.
Take a closer look at this person and identify a talent or strength. And compliment them on that. Compliments will go a long way to ease tension.
The ultimate compliment is to find what you admire about that person. Something you can call out as what you’d like to emulate. People always like to hear what they do well and can share with others.
- Determine expectations.
A difference in expectations may be at the root of your conflict with this person. It’s worth having a discussion about what each of you is trying to do and your expectations of each other.
This is especially helpful when one or both of you changes jobs or positions. Talk about how the change affects your relationship and your expectations of each other.
Also be cognizant of communication styles. Because if there’s a difference in communication styles, the 2 of you may be understanding the same words differently. It may take extra discussion time to understand expectations and make sure you’re on the same page.
Here’s another tip. You know, the hardest things for me in dealing with difficult people are
- not blaming
- making sure my tone of voice is appropriate
- and not taking it personally.
Mastering these is a sure sign of your professional maturity. And will certainly ease the process of breaking through personality barriers.
Also note: If a work relationship is toxic and doesn’t seem to change, think about a Plan B.
If you’ve made a good faith effort to apply what we’ve talked about today and things still don’t improve after a reasonable amount of time, you should consider a change. Consider going where this difficult personality won’t block your progress.
The 3 simple steps for breaking through personality barriers can be very effective. I invite you to give them a try. Make it an experiment and see what happens.
I think you’ll find a significant enhancement to your engineering career relationships. A noticeable improvement to your professionalism and a boost to your career progress.
Next time on Her Engineering Career Podcast our topic will be non-promotable work: do you have too much of it in your portfolio? Be sure to tune in for Episode 80.